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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."