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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Velcro is a ripoff
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...