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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.