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On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.