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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.