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I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.