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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*