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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?