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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.