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You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.