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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
The fox says you need to stop.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.