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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Insert coin to view my status message.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.