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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
This recliner and I go way back.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.