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Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.