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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.