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My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing