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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.