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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.