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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Walmart needs observation decks.