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BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.