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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.