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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.