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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.