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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Siri, where are my pants?
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.