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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.