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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s