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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.