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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."