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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?