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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.