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Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.