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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)