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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.