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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.