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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...