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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Iām in no shape to exercise.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.