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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.