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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
sleep is for people without netflix