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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave