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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?