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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
No great story started with someone drinking water.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?