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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.