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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.