Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Don’t jump to confusions.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.