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Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?