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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.