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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"