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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.