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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers