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If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.