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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.