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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....