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Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.