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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day