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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness