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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.