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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"