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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.