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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong