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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.