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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.