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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong