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Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.