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I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?