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Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.