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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…