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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.