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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.