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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.