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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.