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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.