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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.