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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Good for you, people that do things.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.