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First fart at my new job.
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone