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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...