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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
You had me at 0 mutual friends