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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2