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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.