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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.