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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?