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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.