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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....