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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times