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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.