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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.