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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.