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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.