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I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
I hope common sense is the next cool trend.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!