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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..