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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
I know u r but what am I ?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.