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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.