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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol