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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.