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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.