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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.