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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.